Pornography and New Media

In posting to various forums over that past couple years I have noticed a trend. Young people are getting addicted to porn earlier and with greater ease than ever before. New media makes porn as easy to get for kids as soda pop. This trend night be obvious but interesting none the less. I find it amazing how many young people are looking for help for porn addiction all over the web as well. Part of this trend could do with younger people being more willing to communicate and being more into social networking; however, these are just factors regarding a bigger issue.

How many parents let their youth have access to File Sharing sites? The top 2 downloads on these peer-to-peer/file sharing sites are Music and Porn.

Also, about every teen out there has a cel phone with internet access. (More and more pre-teens have phones as well). Most new phones and PDA’s have followed the trend of easy and quick access to internet and applications.  Ever been to an app store? Well, your kid has if he has an i-phone, droid, palm, etc…etc… Porn is beginning to dominate the applications available.  I won’t go into “sexting” in this post…that is a whole other issue to discuss.

Most kids, at first, are messing around with their friends or think its funny to download and share porn. They joke about it openly. Porn to teenagers has become a norm amongst friends and peers. It’s no longer finding a magazine or getting access to a video tape.  Most youth would laugh at that notion.  They would say…”Uhhh…I just flip open the phone and click…Duh!”  When it comes to laptop and PC access, porn is insanely easy to get. Clicking around and getting images and videos is as easy as pouring a glass of water.  The issues is, water gets boring, or in other words…simply getting porn here and there gets “boring.”

Youth quickly begin looking and hunting for something more potent.  File sharing on peer-to-peer networks is the craze now, getting unlimited access to whatever they want for free.  Sure, they download a song or 2, then they download a porn video or 2 along with it.  Hardcore material becomes easy to access. This is powerful and exciting stuff at such a young age with puberty just setting in.  Addiction sets in quickly and a path for life has been set.  Relationships, communication, productivity, and many other aspects of life become affected with addiction. Parents need to be aware of EVERYTHING their kids are doing on phones, computers, and yes, they can get porn on their X-Box and Play-Station 3 as well.

Get your youth help if they are on the path of addiction. Even more important, be the example. If you are addicted, take care of yourself so that you can walk the walk of recovery. About 1 in 4 adults regularly views porn. There is a lot of help out there…take the steps.

www.innergold.com

Porn/Sex Addiction – Understanding Fear

How does a porn or sex addict get better? What is the driving force? I have heard various people talk about fear. I have a friend who’s wife told him that if he ever looked at porn again, she would divorce him. This may well bring adequate fear…or did it? Well, he is still married and has slipped on occasion. What about the church leader who uses fear with someone who confesses? Is this curative to the addict?  For years I often thought this fear of man and even of God might “cure” me from my addiction.

It wasn’t until I finally found sobriety that I realized how. It was a literal 360 degree change in my views and fears. I found that using external fears as motivation only created temporary moments of sobriety. Fear meant that I was trying to stop for others. What I learned from this finally brought success. I learned to get better for “ME.” Yes for myself.  I had grown to hate my addiction and what it did to me. I had a hard time forgiving myself. I thought that I had to get sober for everyone else. This attitude of “everyone else” is what brings the fear of messing up. It actually drives into the addiciton and creates cycles where the addict slips up.

I have learned to be confident in myself. I have learned to “love” who I am instead of the former “internal conflict and hate.” Instead of always living in fear of “messing up” I strive to live in personal confidence and set daily goals. I am sober for me. This personal sobriety from porn is what makes me a better husband, father, church member, and contributor to society. The point is that I no longer focus on the fear of the external but rather focus on the internal.

Really Getting Better From Porn/Sex Addiction

I post frequently to pornography addiciton forums. I commonly respond to individuals coming clean for the first time and admitting they have a problem with porn or sex addiction. Over the past 2 years I have noticed an interesting trend on these forums.

Many who frequently post talk about their addiciton and say they want help but many don’t do anything to get help after posting. One man who posts on a forum admitted he had an addiction a year ago. He started posting in order to find “an accountability partner and others” to help him be accountable to his addiciton. He regularly posted and went through more downs than ups. He came back a few months ago and finally admitted he needed something more.

This is a great “DUH” moment for an addict. I went 15 years of my life justifying that I could do it on my own before I finally had my ‘DUH” moment. Better late than never. It is the moment realized where one admits they need serious help. All addicts need this help it just takes some a while to get to the point of surrendering to the fact that they CANNOT do it alone. What this man was doing was posting to the forum as a crutch to make him feel that he was “at least” doing something. This crutch was a form of him justifying his acting out. He would post to make him feel like he was doing something.

The point is to get help and not delay. There have been amazing inroads in recovery and it is very possible. We simply have to take action. Getting better is a process and does not happen overnight but it can happen. So the question is…Do you really want to get better from this addiciton or are you just trying to put band aids on it to make yourself feel better?

Porn/Sex Addiction and the Holiday Season

What is it about the holiday season that makes addiciton explode?  Before I went through treatment the holiday season was a time of the year where relapse and pornography indulgence seemed inevitable. Here are a few reasons why porn and sex addictions are so prevalent during the Holidays. Every addict has triggers. Those triggers may be stress related, pain, or sadness. Other triggers might be past memories, emotional hurt, or having too much free time (laziness). The list could go on.  The simple fact of the matter is that the Holiday seasons seem to bring these various circumstances and triggers to the forefront of life. It is like the perfect storm for addiction.

One thing I learned in treatment was that mindfulness and awareness were key in recovering from porn or sexual addiction. If you are a porn or sex addict, take some time and identify your triggers. Instead of just acting on the feelings that come your way, be a little more proactive. Numbing the pain through porn and/or sexual behaviors will only bring the same temporary relief and guilt it always does. Trust me when I say that I know it is easier said than done. Still…it can be done. With time off of work or school it can be easy to justify the “I need a break from life” mentality. It’s ironic how that mentality can easily turn into “I need to delve in porn and sex.”  Take a proactive stance this season to get into treatment or at least make plans to keep those “trigger” emotions at bay. Keeping busy is probably one of the best things to do.

Now for the parents out there. Your kids will have a lot of time on their hands. Make sure you know what their computer/media activities are. (That includes cel phones, i-pods, TV, etc…) Porn can be accessed pretty much anywhere these days. It was those holiday times growing up that my buddies and I seemed to always get our hands on porn. During college it was internet use. Just be aware. Please do not make the excuse that “ohhhhhhh….kids will be kids.”  or “Young kids just do that kind of thing.”  Yah…young kids that become raging addicts and destroy their own lives and the lives of those around them. Young people need parents, not grown up friends that enable them to become addicts.

www.innergold.com

Porn/Sex Addiction – Attacking Young and All

The number of people seeking counseling for pornography and sexual addictions is increasing. What about young people? In a forum I participate in, there are various men between 15-19 years old that talk about their addictions but cannot enroll in programs. Some due to money, access to a credit card, or they simply still rely and live on their parents and keep addiciton a secret with them.

This is where the problem generally grows and becomes an all out addiction….when young. Almost every man and woman I have known with sexual addictions of any kind can trace the beginnings back to childhood or youth. Most also relate their addictions to some element of the Internet now days. As parents, we must communicate with our young people. Most youth have seen hard core porn images by the time they are 12 years old. As youth, I recommend simply talking to parents or even a church leader if you are viewing porn or have other sexual addictions.

Waiting to get help is like saying, “Hey, I will wait until I totally destroy my life, then I will get help.”  Sadly, that is what most addicts do. They justify their own control and lie to themselves until they are forced to get help or have hit such a low place that there is nowhere else to go. I was happy to see a story on Fox News online talking about how the FCC is proposing a free wireless internet hub nationwide but the catch is that it will be “No Porn.”      http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,460247,00.html

My internet porn addiction started off of simple curiousity at first but spread like wildfire. Most start that same way. I hope we can all be aware of the dangers for sexual addictions…young and old. As parents we should communicate with and help our kids understand the dangers. If they are already addicted as a young person…get them involved in a program now while you still have influence over them in the home.

www.innergold.com

Porn and Sex Addiciton – The Energy Suckers

A common similarity with porn and sex addicts whom I have met is the following: Most of them are generally very energetic, creative, and talented individuals. I have met many like myself who are technically savvy and have either a vast technology background and/or amazing entrepreneurial skills. Many would call me ADD  becuase I like to work on various projects at the same time as a business owner. Why is this relevant? It is becuase before becomming sober in my addictions I used up a HUGE amount of energy in fulfilling my addictive desires.

I have met quite a few people who have found sobriety in sexual and porn addiciton. Many positive changes hold true across the board but one interesting fact in particular is the following: Recovered porn/sex addicts have learned to channel immense amounts of energy into other things. For me…it is my work and family. Before getting help I would simply go throughout the day running my business. I was successful but when my relapses would occur I would spend days and sometimes weeks finding excuses to be lazy and not focus on business growth. When business got stressful or family life got stressful, I turned to porn.

Once I got counseling I learned that some of the worlds most successful people have addictive tenancies but many have learned to channel that addictive energy to more productivity. One technique I learned to channel my addictive energy was applying a saying: “The pain of regret is far greater than the pain of discipline.” Learning to understand the pain of discipline and taking that pain and channeling it, opened up a whole new world. Instead of easily giving in to every addictive trigger and going straight to porn I learned to use that energy in working on business projects and other productive things. Needless to say my current business is more successful and I have 2 other ventures I am working on now.

It’s amazing how much time and energy open up when they are not being spent on hours of porn browsing and addictive behaviors. Not to mention…no more secrecy and deception which were huge energy killers. I would encourage any out there who are getting the life and energy sucked out of them from addiciton to get help becuase it is there. I am forever grateful that I did.

www.innergold.com

Porn/Sex Addiction – Addicts and Church Leaders

As I went through recovery from porn addiction I realized something about my addictive cycle. I allowed religion to become part of the addictive cycle. It is VITAL that church leaders understand and can identify this behavior. For you addicts out there, maybe there is no religious piece to the cycle, but think about what I am going to explain and see if something besides religion is identified.

My cycle began as a very young man around 13 years old. As soon as I found that porn could bring ejaculation it was like gasoline and fire. I went about 3 years hiding my daily addiciton until it got so bad that I felt like total crap inside. I felt less confident and less about myself. Finally one day I went to a church leader and talked to him about it. He was very kind and told me to not look at porn and masturbate anymore. I left there feeling a weight lifted and like a million bucks! Here is the problem…this church leader didn’t give me any real solutions to my addiction. I felt better, but had no solution. After a few weeks I looked at porn and masturbated…. again and again and again, until I hit that dark place and overbearing weight in life once more. I went back to a church leader and the same thing happened. I got a little advise but no real solutions to becomming sober in an addiction. I felt the burden of guilt and secrecy lifted but no long-term solutions.

This cyclical story repeated itself in my life on and off for 15 years . Going to church leaders became part of my addictive cycle. So what can addicts and church leaders do? Addicts can listen to what I have said and instead of using a crutch (like a church leader or a friend we confide in) to justify our continued addictive behavior, we can go get professional help. Church leaders are professional minsters and can provide spiritual counsel but they are, for the most part, not addiction counselors. Church leaders are spiritual advisers and can advise their members with addictions to enroll in a program or get some form of professional counseling. It is this combination of good ecclesiastical form combined with the professional tools porn/sex addiciton counseling can bring that will provide long-term sobriety.

Some church leaders use harsh punishment and disciplinary force on members due to the frustration that addicts are not getting better and their cycle continues. The cycle is going to continue whether discipline happens or not, until the addict gets the tools that will lead towards sobriety.  It is not until healing through proper counseling and re-training the brain takes place that an addict will get better. One leader told me to just turn my addiction over to the Lord. I cannot even count how many fervent and tearful prayers I made in my life that God would take away my addiction but after a time I fell again. That is like asking God to take away my brain and not allow me to make choices and learn. The point is…that there is a way to learn sobriety and God/Higher Power can be a huge part but there is much more to the process. This is where church leaders can champion encouraging members to go get professional help and kindly mentor them through the process. If the addict is totally unwilling, that is when productive forms of spiritual discipline may be necessary. Increased problems and further secrecy in addiction come when church leaders punish those who are already penitent and just want help. So the answer is to lead members to seek help, not punish the willing hearts. Those willing to seek help are already their own biggest personal critics and despise their own behaviors.

I went to over 15 church leaders throughout my life. One good leader 3 years ago said the following, “I have no idea how to cure or get you away from this addiction…however, I do know of a great counselor I want you to go to. He can help.” That is when I found Innergold 3 years ago and found the answers and pathway toward sobriety. It took 15 YEARS of church leaders to finally have one good man lead me towards real help. I thank that man and encourage all addicts and church leaders to learn from this blog.

www.innergold.com

Porn/Sex Addiction – Why not Stop?

Having gone through a porn addiction of 15 years I would frequently ask myself, “Why not just stop?” There was a part of me that really wanted this beast out of my life but another part kept the burning cravings alive. It was like there was a piece of me that did not want to let it go. It had become a cyclical part of my life. When time got tough or stressful, I had become accustomed to using porn as a way to cope. I felt like I was living a double life.

When I entered the Innergold counseling system, I was taught that I was normal. Most porn/sex addicts live the double life and feel like they are an anomaly and unlike other people . It is extremely chaotic living the double life. I always felt like I had to hide things and when the guilt and consequences became so bad I would confess to church leaders to get it off my shoulders. It truly was a cycle that kept repeating. The point of this blog is to let any out there struggling know that they are not alone and that millions suffer from this same cycle. The Innergold program set me on a path of understanding and gave me the tools to heal the “double life” I was leading.

I can truly say that finding freedom from porn and getting away from the double life has been refreshing. I have so much more focus and energy channeled where it should be. I am more successful and better educated than ever before. So instead of saying, “Why not stop?”…go get some help and make it happen.

www.innergold.com

Pornography Addiction – Yes An Addiction!

I was listening to a well known program where individuals call in looking for professional advise. Most of the time the advise is good. One specific person called in with the following problem: He got caught by his wife looking at porn. He had been looking at porn for over 18 months. He said that his wife was frustrated and felt betrayed. He was looking for help. The radio host downplayed the problem with pornography and said there must be something else creating the wife wanting to leave. The caller said that he honestly couldn’t think of anything and that it was the porn issue. He told the host that he wanted help and the host again downplayed his porn issue and said that there must be some other reason why the wife would want to leave. The frustrated caller said that he wanted help to stay away from porn and then got cut off due to a break in the show.

As a listener I was going crazy! I couldn’t believe that this confused and torn man was being told his porn problem was not the issue. IT WAS THE ISSUE! This man was pleading for help but since porn is viewed as “acceptable” to so many people, he got shut down and more discouraged. He literally started to cry on the air. He wanted help. So many people today are being told that porn is not a problem or addictive. This is a flat out lie! There are over 40 million Americans who regularly view porn. Not an addiction? C’mon! Millions are getting divorced, losing jobs, and destroying themselves and others due to porn and sex addiction. A major problem is that so many people are addicted to porn that they justify their own problems by downplaying it. It is temporarily easier to ignore porn addiction or play like it is not a real issue than facing its destructive nature head on. The crap always hits the fan eventually. ALWAYS! You can justify for only so long until pornography destroys. There is help out there. It is possible to become sober and get away from porn. Instead of justifying, let’s start solving the problem and that starts with ourselves.

www.innergold.com

Porn/Sex Addiction – Treatment and Recovery

I was talking to someone the other day about the Innergold website and how it helps people recover from porn/sex addiction. I talked to them how pornography manipulates the brain and creates sexually addictive behaviors. This person was intrigued and asked me a couple questions: How does the process of becomming addicted to pornography happen? So how does someone get better?

How does the process of becomming addicted to pornography happen?
I explained this by giving an understanding of our instinctive brain (limbic). Pornography effects the same part of the brain that houses the need for food, survival, and pleasure. I explained that constantly looking at pornography is like eating and drinking. Just like we train our bodies and minds to eat and drink for survival, if one looks at pornography habitually it then becomes a survival mechanism as well. Many addicts commit over and over that they will stop. “This time is the last time.” Then a few days or weeks later, the need arises and they repeat despite consequences or promises made not to. Hence, the addictive nature of pornography attaches directly to the survival part of the brain. Often when a porn addict is tired, stressed, angry, overly emotional, etc… they feed the need for survival with porn. Many porn addicts although tired, will instead stay up through all hours of the night feeding the need for porn instead of sleep since the high from porn gives a temporary fix to the need for sleep. That is just one example of many.

So how does someone get better from pornography addiction?
Just like becomming a pornography addict is a process, becomming sober is a process as well. Since the addict has trained their brain to have a need for porn as a survival mechanism there is a “repairing” process that must take place. It is not an overnight thing. The addicted brain wants so badly for the addiction to “go away” that excuse after excuse of easy ways out are justified. Doing something good, confessing, hiding and justifying, or committing to ones self to “never” repeat are common short-term fixes that allow the addict to feel temporarily better. Although some of these temporary fixes are good, they are not the complete answer. The answer is in the process of recovery. One must learn the tools of recovery and put them into place for the long-term. Many of these things are daily activities that if done consistently will foster literal changes to the brain and create healing. The key to maintaining sobriety is using the skills learned in recovery for a lifetime. That doesn’t mean hours a day, but doing the simple daily things. This is what Innergold teaches and it is what helped me find long-term sobriety after 15 years.

www.innergold.com